It’s early January. The decorations are down, you’re back at work, and everything feels heavier than usual. You thought you knew what the future held – but instead, you’re facing a breakup, and your emotions are all over the place.
“Divorce Day” (the first working Monday in January) gets a lot of media attention for a reason – because so many people wait until after Christmas to end their relationship and solicitors see an increase in enquiries. Some couples decide to have one last Christmas together because of the kids. Others see it as a last-ditch hope that Christmas will magically fix what’s broken. But more often than not, the festive season only highlights what’s wrong.
If your relationship has just ended, you’ll be grieving the end of that relationship. Even if it was your decision – it’s still a loss. Breakups are messy, painful, and emotionally draining. It’s totally normal to experience a whole rollercoaster of emotions such as upset, anger, shock, denial and overwhelm, but there are ways to support yourself through it.
10 simple strategies to help you cope in the early stages of a breakup.
1. Find support from a friend or family member
It’s really important that you have someone to turn to when you’re feeling low or struggling – which will happen. Think carefully about who you choose to rely on. Often our closest friends and family are too close and too invested in the situation to be objective. They won’t necessarily give you the best advice even though their heart will be in the right place. Ask your person up front if it’s ok to call them when you need to – so that you don’t feel like you’re bothering them at the time when you need them most.
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions
This is an essential part of the healing process. Yes, it’s awful – but you need to go through this to be able to move on. Don’t try and avoid your emotions by stuffing them down and working long hours to lose yourself in work, partying hard or turning to drink or drugs. They’ll just come back to bite you in the long term if you do this.
3. Take off the rose-tinted glasses
It’s only natural that we romanticise our relationship – especially if we didn’t want it to end. But be honest with yourself – what was wrong with it? What frustrated you, upset you or annoyed you about your ex? Write a list of all the things you weren’t happy with and keep it to hand for those moments when you find yourself upset.
4. Start paying attention to the questions you’re asking yourself
Asking yourself questions like ‘why aren’t I good enough?’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ just puts the focus on what isn’t working well in your life and leads to unhappiness. Instead ask yourself more empowering questions like ‘What can I do right now to improve my mood?’ or ‘What’s one thing I’m grateful for in my life right now?’. What you focus on in life is what you get so start focusing on the positives.
5. Surround yourself with people who light you up
Research has shown that emotions are contagious. We’re wired to mimic the facial expressions and moods of the people we’re with. When you’re going through your divorce surround yourself with people who light you up and make you feel good about yourself. Their positivity will rub off on you. Limit your time spent with people who just want to hear the ins and outs of what’s going on in your life – that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions.
6. Gratitude
Gratitude directly increases your happiness levels and is a great way to improve your mood. It calms the mind and reduces all the negative emotions you may be feeling. It’s a powerful way of getting your brain to focus on more positive things. Keep a list of 3 things you are grateful for every day for at least 3 weeks, and you’ll start to notice a difference.
7. Exercise
This is probably the last thing that you feel like doing, but it really does make such a difference. It releases all those endorphins which creates the ‘feel good factor’. Exercise was my saviour during my divorce. I would drive to the gym in tears but come out feeling so much better after. Choose an exercise that you love… even if it’s just a walk outside in nature… just get your body moving. Enlist the support of an exercise buddy so that you’ve got someone to motivate you on those days when you really can’t be bothered – which will happen.
8. Take a break from social media
Unfollowing your ex is an absolute must. The last thing you need to see is posts from them showing what an amazing time they’re seemingly having. A lot of social media isn’t real – people only post the parts of their life that they want you to see. Take a break altogether if you can. It’s time to focus on yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal and start focusing on your future.
9. Practice self-care
This is more important than ever and doesn’t necessarily mean a pampering session. What does self-care mean to you? It could be having a cuppa whilst reading your book, going for a run or a yoga class or taking a bath surrounded by candles. Listen to your body and what it needs. Remember that self-care is not selfish. We need to look after ourselves before we can look after anyone else, especially at times like these.
10. Positive Emotions brainstorm
Brainstorm all the things that make you feel good in your life… the things that bring you joy and make you happy. What do you love doing? What makes you laugh? Who do you love to be with? What have you always wanted to do? Start to actively plan some of these activities into your day and week and notice how your happiness starts to increase. Try and do at least one thing every day that brings you joy.
To summarise
Breakups are emotionally brutal. Even when you know it was the right decision, it can feel impossible to manage all the emotions that follow.
Right now, you might feel like you’re barely holding it together. One minute you’re in tears, the next you’re numb. Sleep is hard, your appetite’s all over the place, and the future feels like a giant question mark. That’s normal.
But you’re not meant to go through this alone.
My free guide, ’10 Secrets to let go of heartbreak and move on with your life after divorce’ is full of simple, real-life strategies to help you get through the hardest days – the ones where even getting out of bed feels like an achievement.
