Abuse isn’t always physical
Did you know that:
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in England experience domestic abuse in their life.
Every 3 days a woman dies due to domestic abuse.
On average it takes a women 5 years to leave an abusive relationship.
These are shocking statistics that got even worse during lockdown.
What is coercive control?
Domestic abuse is defined as an incident or patterns of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of sexuality or gender (Government definition)
Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse and can be difficult to spot especially when you’re in the relationship. It’s an insidious form of abuse that happens slowly over time.
It’s a form of Psychological abuse where the perpetrator (abuser) carries out a pattern of controlling or manipulative behaviour in the relationship and exerts power over the victim. The victim is left doubting themselves, with low levels of self-esteem and then becoming even more dependent on the perpetrator.
10 signs that you may be experiencing coercive control
1. Becoming isolated from your friends and family
This is something that happens gradually over time and it’s not until you do some reflection that you realise what’s happened. By isolating you from your friends and family the abuser is gaining total control over you with no one else to influence you or see what’s happening.
Has your partner been criticising your friends or family at all? If you’re still in the early stages of your relationship you might have just brushed it off and not thought much of it. But is it becoming a pattern? Are they constantly criticising them – if so, this is definitely a red flag to be aware of.
Is your partner claiming that a friend or family member has an issue with them or has criticised them? Have you stood up for your partner and defended them and started distancing yourself from those people? This is a subtle and manipulative way of isolating you from those closest to you.
2. Being Gaslighted
Again this is a really subtle and manipulative form of coercive control where you end up doubting yourself and questioning your own thoughts and feelings – to the point where you start to think you’re going mad!
Has your partner accused you of saying things or doing things that you haven’t – but by the end of the conversation or argument you start doubting yourself?
Has your partner ghosted you for periods of time and you’ve been unable to contact them, or they haven’t responded to any communication from you?
This type of behaviour can cause you to become obsessed with them and willing to do almost anything to have contact with them again which can be extremely harmful to your mental health. You’re left feeling hurt, rejected, upset and confused amongst other things.
3. Being criticised all the time
Not only does this behaviour make the abuser feel good about themselves, but it also makes you lose your confidence and doubt yourself. You then look to your partner to give you that validation which leads to them having even more control over you.
Is your partner continually criticising you and putting you down no matter what you do?
Do you constantly feel like you’re not good enough for them?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything right?
Are you doubting how you look?
4. Your activity’s being monitored
Abusers like to be in control all the time so they will isolate you so that no one else can influence you and keep track of everything you’re doing. It can get to the point where it’s just not worth the effort to go out and see anyone.
Does your partner continually check your mobile phone to see who you’re speaking to or communicating with?
Do they monitor your social media?
Do they take an excessive interest when you’re going out and like to know who it’s with, how long you’ll be and where you’re going?
5. Feeling like you can’t do what you want anymore
Again this can be a very subtle form of abuse. It won’t necessarily show up as you partner telling you that you can’t do something. It could be something as subtle as saying they’re worried about your safety or that they miss you and can’t bear to be apart from you.
Have you stopped doing all the activities and hobbies that you used to?
Have you stopped going on girls’ nights out?
Is it too much effort to do the things you really want to do and easier just to keep the peace?
6. Your partner has control of your finances
This might appear to start innocently with the suggestion of a joint bank account but can gradually lead to total control over your finances. Again, this is the abuser’s way of gaining complete control over you so that you are totally dependent on them for money, and they can keep track of what you’re doing and spending money on.
Do you have to account for everything you spend to your partner?
Do you have any control over the ‘joint’ finances?
Do you have to request money from your partner?
7. Your partner controls your choices
This is effectively where your partner is telling you exactly how to live your life, so you end of becoming even more dependent on them. You start to lose your own identity and become incapable of making your own decisions.
Does your partner tell you what to wear and how to dress?
Do they tell you where you can go?
Do they tell you what to eat?
Do they tell you when you should go to bed?
8. Your partner makes jealous accusations
When we were younger, we might have thought that a partner’s jealousy was a sign that they cared – but actually it’s just another way of exerting control. It can be the case that the abuser is actually doing the thing that they’re accusing you of. Narcissists often make jealous accusations when they feel their partner is getting more attention than them as they like to be the centre of attention themselves.
Is your partner constantly jealous of who you’re spending time with?
Are they accusing you of things that you’re not doing such as having an affair?
Are you worried about ‘upstaging’ your partner?
9. Your partner threatens you with violence
The abuser will often use the threat of violence as another means of getting their own way so that you’re intimidated and scared of them and pressured into doing what they want. They may even threaten to hurt your family.
Are you scared of your partner?
Have they threatened violence if you don’t do what they want?
10. Your partner controls your sex life
Again this is all about power and controlling every aspect of your life. They will determine when you have sex, where and how.
Does your partner withhold sex from you?
Do they force you to do things that you’re not comfortable with?
Do they determine when you have sex?
To summarise
Realising you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship is deeply painful – and leaving it can feel overwhelming. It takes time, and careful planning, and support to leave. Your safety always comes first, and that means having a clear plan before you go. Control and abuse does not stop when you leave the relationship… it can actually escalate… especially in the first 3 months following separation.
If you suspect you’re experiencing coercive control:
Start documenting what’s happening. Coercive control is a crime in the UK and evidence matters.
Prepare a safe exit plan. Pack a bag with essentials, decide where you’ll go, and let someone trustworthy know you may arrive unannounced.
- Seek support.
You don’t have to do this alone.
There are many support groups that you can reach out to depending on where you are in the world. In the UK you can seek support from
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (free phone run by Refuge)
- The Men’s Advice line for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect)
- National LGBT + Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)
- The mix – free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
If you’re ready to take the first step in leaving your relationship or want to get some clarity on your situation, coaching can support you. Book a free confidential call to talk through your options and what support could look like for you.
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