If you’re struggling with loneliness after a breakup, you’re not alone. Going through my divorce was the loneliest time in my life – even though I had great friends and family around me.
I’d met my husband at University and we lived together after that – so I’d never actually lived on my own before.
I didn’t have many single friends so I spent most of my weekends either alone or with friends that we’d had as a couple. Sometimes that just made the loss feel even more obvious, and I’d cry all the way home after seeing them.
During the week I kept myself busy working, seeing friends or going to the gym. It helped to pass the time and gave me less opportunity to think about being alone.
But even when I was surrounded by friends and having a great time, I’d have moments of extreme loneliness where I just felt so alone. There was only one person I wanted to be with.
You really can be surrounded by people and still feel incredibly lonely after a breakup. You’ve lost someone who was part of your everyday life, your routines and the future you thought you were going to have.
If you’re wondering why it feels like this, I’ve written more about that in this blog: Why divorce feels so lonely (even when you’re not alone)
Things started to change for me when I made new friends who happened to be single and shared the same interests as me. Over time the loneliness started to ease as I spent more time with these new friends who brought joy back into my life.
If you’re struggling to cope with loneliness after a breakup I know how tough it can be, especially when you’ve been together for a long time. But there are things you can do that can help you feel less alone and begin adjusting to life without your partner.
Here are 10 things that helped me and that I often encourage my clients to think about too.
10 Tips to ease the loneliness after your breakup
1. Exercise and spend time outdoors
Moving your body can really help when you’re struggling with loneliness after a breakup. It doesn’t have to be anything too strenuous. A walk outside, a gym session or any form of exercise you enjoy can give you a change of scene and help lift your mood.
If you’re spending more time on your own than you’re used to, exercise can also be a great way to add some structure to your day and get you out of the house. You could try a group class, join a walking or running group, or arrange to exercise with a friend. It’s a simple way to be around other people without having to make lots of social plans.
For me exercise was a huge help during my divorce. It gave me somewhere to go, something positive to focus on and, over time, introduced me to new people too.
2. Volunteer
Volunteering can be a great way to meet new people and feel more connected, particularly if your social life has changed since your breakup.
Giving your time to something you care about can also give you a sense of purpose at a time when life might feel a little empty or directionless.
It could be helping at a local charity, an animal rescue, a community project or something else that matters to you. It gives you somewhere to go and people to spend time with – while doing something worthwhile.
And because you’re there for a shared purpose, it can feel much easier than simply going out and trying to make new friends.
3. Take up a new hobby
Joining a new class, club or group can be a great way of meeting new people after a breakup. You already have something in common which can make starting conversations and getting to know people feel much easier.
It can also be an opportunity to rediscover something you used to enjoy or try something you’ve always wanted to do. After being part of a couple for a long time, finding interests and friendships of your own can feel really positive.
Think about something you’d genuinely enjoy, rather than choosing something because you think you should be getting out and meeting people. You’re far more likely to keep going if you actually look forward to it.
4. Spend time with animals
Pets can be wonderful company when you’re dealing with loneliness after a breakup. There’s no doubt my cats helped me to get through my divorce. Having them around made the house feel less empty and gave me something else to focus on and care for.
If you already have a pet, getting out for walks, or spending more time with them can really help. Dog walking in particular can be a surprisingly easy way to meet and chat to other people.
And if having a pet of your own isn’t practical, you don’t need to rush out and adopt one. You could offer to walk a friend’s dog, volunteer with animals, or use a service such as ‘Borrow my doggy’ where you can spend time with someone else’s dog.
5. Strengthen existing relationships
It can be difficult to reach out to people when you’re feeling lonely. You might just want to curl up on the sofa with Netflix and shut yourself away. So start small.
Think about one person you love spending time with and reach out to them. You don’t need a packed social diary. A coffee. a walk, or dinner with someone you feel comfortable with can make a real difference.
If weekends are when you struggle most, try putting something in the diary in advance so you’re not facing a completely empty weekend when it comes round.
6. Take a break from social media
Social media can make loneliness after a breakup feel even worse. When you’re already struggling, scrolling through photos of couples, holidays and nights out can leave you comparing your life with everyone else’s highlight reel.
It can also make it much harder to move forward if you’re constantly checking what your ex is doing or seeing updates about them through mutual friends. Think about whether muting or unfollowing certain accounts for a while might help. You don’t have to make any permanent decisions – you’re simply giving yourself some breathing space.
Try putting some of the time you’d usually spend scrolling into people and activities in real life instead. Even a phone call with a friend or getting out for a walk can leave you feeling more connected than another hour on your phone.
7. Take small steps outside your comfort zone
For things to change sometimes you have to do something a little different. I know how difficult it can be to push yourself when you’re struggling emotionally. Start small rather than putting pressure on yourself to make huge changes.
Smile and say hello to someone when you’re out for a walk. Start a conversation with the person next to you in the queue for your morning coffee. Say yes to an invitation that you might normally turn down, or go somewhere on your own that you’d previously only have gone to as a couple.
Those small interactions can help you feel more connected to the world around you. And each time you do something on your own that you weren’t sure you could do, it can make the next time feel a little easier.
8. Practise self-care
When you’re feeling lonely, it’s easy to stop looking after yourself. When there’s no longer someone else around to cook with, eat with, or make plans with it can be a struggle. But this is a time when being kind to yourself really matters.
Pay attention to the way you’re talking to yourself too. If you’re telling yourself that you’ll always be alone or that everyone else is getting on with their lives, while you’re stuck, ask yourself whether you’d speak to a friend in that way. Try to give yourself the same kindness and compassion you’d give them.
Look after the basics too. Eat properly, try to get enough sleep and be mindful of using alcohol to take the edge off the evenings when you’re on your own. And self-care doesn’t have to mean booking a spa day. It might mean simply cooking yourself your favourite meal, getting outside, having an early night or doing something that makes you feel cared for.
9. Pay attention to what triggers your loneliness
Start noticing when your loneliness feels at its worst. Is it coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone, Sunday afternoons, seeing couples together or spending time with friends you previously saw as a couple?
Then notice the opposite too. When do you feel most connected? Who do you spend time with? What are you doing? It might be having coffee with a particular friend, going to an exercise class, being at work, or simply having plans in the diary to look forward to.
Once you start recognising your own patterns, you can be more intentional about the things that help. If Sunday afternoons are particularly difficult, for example, could you make that the time you go for a walk with a friend, visit family, or do something you enjoy?
You won’t be able to avoid every lonely moment – and you don’t need to. But understanding your triggers can help you plan for the times you know are likely to be harder.
10. Get some support
Sometimes friends and family can be incredibly supportive, but you may still feel like they don’t quite understand what you’re going through. You might also worry that you’re talking about your breakup too much.
Having someone outside your immediate circle to talk to can give you a safe space to be completely honest about how you’re feeling and help you work out what you need to start moving forward.
If you’re struggling with loneliness after a breakup, a breakup and divorce coach can help you make sense of what you’re feeling, rebuild your confidence and start building a life that feels good again.
Feeling lonely after Your breakup?
If you’re finding it difficult to adjust to life after your relationship, having someone outside your friends and family to talk to can really help.
On a free clarity call we can talk about what’s happening for you, where you’re feeling stuck and whether coaching could help.
