Going through a divorce is hard enough – but when you have children, it adds a whole new level of complexity.
You can’t just cut ties and heal in peace. You still have to deal with your ex, and that ongoing contact can be incredibly difficult, especially if things ended badly. But like it or not, co-parenting means putting your children’s wellbeing first – even when emotions are running high.
It takes strength, patience, and more restraint than you think you have. But supporting your kids through this change is one of the most important things you’ll ever do.
10 Ways to support your children through a divorce
Here are 10 practical ways to help your children cope… and thrive… during and after your divorce.
1. Try to get on with your ex
I know how difficult this can be and it just isn’t possible for some couples. But if your relationship really can’t be amicable, then try to be civil to each other in front of the children. Don’t hide behind the door so you don’t have to see your ex when they drop the children off – that’s not great for the children. Whatever happens between you, always put the children first for all your decisions and actions. Do the right thing by them… rather than being led by your emotions… and you won’t go far wrong.
2. Don’t bad mouth your ex
This puts your children in a really difficult situation. They may feel that they have to choose between you, or that they can’t talk to you about their other parent.
3. Be excited for them when they are spending time with the other parent
Be excited with them about what they’ll be doing at the weekend with their other parent. Be happy when you drop them off or they’re picked up – even if you have to fake it to start with. If the children see you sad and clingy when they leave, then they’ll feel guilty about spending time with the other parent and will worry about you. That’s too much pressure to put on a child.
4. Don’t overshare what is happening in the divorce
Children don’t necessarily need to know the details of what happened to cause your split… for example if one of you has had an affair… especially if they’re young. You don’t need to share the details about the financials, custody arrangements or court dates etc. This will only cause them unnecessary worry and stress. Just tell them what they need to know to make them feel safe and secure.
5. Encourage them to talk to you and listen properly
Let the children know that you are always there for them to discuss any concerns or worries they have – and that it’s safe for them to do so. Don’t invalidate their feelings by telling them that they’re being silly – reassure them that everything will be ok. Try not to get emotional during these discussions – they need to see that you are being strong and positive for them. If this is difficult you need to ‘Act as if’ and eventually it will become your reality.
6. Maintain a routine where possible
Once you have agreed the childcare arrangements with your ex then try and stick to them. It’s important that the children have routine and a sense of normality during this period of change in their lives. Children don’t like change and find it difficult, so do what you can to minimise any anxiety around the changes happening in their life.
7. Consider whether you can still celebrate birthdays and holidays together
Some couples understandably can’t do this after their divorce. But if your split was amicable, then you might consider spending some time together on the children’s birthdays or at Christmas. At least the child doesn’t then feel like they’re missing out not spending time with both parents. Although you may be separated as parents – you’re still a family.
8. Decide how you will parent together
Have a discussion about whether you will co- parent or parallel parent and explain the implications of your decision to the children. Children benefit from having ground rules and knowing what the expectations are.
9. Don’t use the children to deliver messages between you
Keep the children out of anything that’s going on between you, for example you need money for the upcoming school trip. Make alternative arrangements to have that type of communication. Let the kids be kids and don’t involve them in adult issues like that.
10. Make the most of your ME time
Use the quality time you have on your own to rest and recharge, make arrangements to see friends, or take up new hobbies. Either way, make sure you enjoy and cherish this time, instead of moping because you don’t have the children. This will only help to make you a better parent when they’re back with you.
To summarise
Research shows it’s not the divorce itself that causes the most damage to children – it’s the level of conflict and how parents handle the separation that matters most.
Research consistently shows that:
Parental conflict, not the divorce itself, is what most negatively affects children’s well-being.
Cooperative co-parenting, where both parents put their children’s needs first, leads to much better outcomes.
Children do best when they feel safe, heard, and free from the emotional fallout of their parents’ separation.
So if you’re going through a divorce, focus on creating a calm, stable environment for your kids. Shield them from conflict. Let them be kids. That’s what helps them thrive – now and in the future.
If you need support with navigating your divorce in a way that protects your children and supports your own emotional wellbeing too then book your free clarity call to understand how coaching can support you.
