Thinking about ending your relationship is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. It’s emotionally exhausting, all consuming mentally, and has far-reaching consequences – not just for you, but for your children, family, friends, and even your future self.
So if you’re considering leaving, do it from a place of clarity. Be confident that you’ve explored every option, so you don’t look back with doubt or regret.
Because regret is real – and common.
A 2014 Daily Mail survey of 2,000 divorced men and women found that 50% of them regretted divorcing. More recent research puts that figure between 32% and 50%, with many saying they wished they’d tried harder to save their marriage. For those who felt their breakup was preventable, the regret rate can rise to 80%.
5 ways to help you make sure you’re leaving with no regrets
If you’re going to leave, make sure you’ve done the thinking, had the hard conversations, and feel ready – not reactive. These five steps will help.
1. Ask yourself honestly: Are you still in love?
Loving someone and being in love with them are not always the same. It’s natural for passion to change over time, but is there still a romantic connection? Do you still want a physical and emotional relationship with your partner, or has that faded? Are you starting to think about… or feel drawn to… other people?
2. Get clear on what’s not working
Make a list of everything that isn’t working for you in the relationship. Try to take the emotion out of it so you can see things more clearly. Reflect on each issue and ask yourself these questions:
Is it new or has it been going on for a long time?
- Is it significant?
Is it something you’ve already tried to fix?
Is it something you want to fix?
Sometimes we’re just going through a bad patch. Other times, the relationship has slowly worn down and can’t recover. The key is to know the difference.
3. Reflect on your own behaviours
You can’t control or change your partner – but you can change how you show up in the relationship. Are there things you say or do that trigger unhelpful dynamics between you? Are there ways you could respond differently, or habits you could break, that might shift the tone and elicit a different response?
Even small changes in your own behaviour can sometimes create unexpected shifts in the relationship.
4. Talk about it with your partner
If you haven’t already – have the conversation with your partner. Tell them how you’re feeling – and ask how they’re feeling too. Give them your full attention and listen properly. Not to argue or defend your position, but to understand where they’re coming from.
Ask yourselves:
Do we both want to work on this?
What’s one thing each of us could do differently right now?
If there’s still a willingness to try, agree on some changes and give it three months before making any final decisions.
5. Speak to a divorce coach
A coach can help you step back from the emotion and see things more clearly. They can help you explore:
Whether this really is the end, or whether there’s still something to build on
What’s holding you back… fear, guilt, uncertainty… and how to move through it
What life could look like if you did leave
If guilt about hurting your partner is one of the things holding you back, you might find my tips on feeling guilty for breaking up with someone helpful.
Even if your partner won’t change, working with a coach gives you the tools to make your best decision – one you’ll be able to stand by with confidence.
To summarise
Before you leave, ask yourself: have I done everything I can to make this work?
Breakups are often painful, even when they’re right. But nothing is more painful than walking away and realising later that it was fixable – or that fear made your decision for you.
If you stay, make sure it’s because you want to – not because you’re scared of being alone. And if you go, do it knowing you’ve thought it through.
If you’re stuck in the cycle of “Should I stay or should I go?” and going round in circles, let’s talk.
Book a free clarity call and we’ll explore what’s really going on – and how coaching can help you move forward with confidence, whichever direction you choose.
