Telling your children you’re getting a divorce is one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. It’s not something anyone prepares for, and yet it’s a reality many families face – with over 40% of UK marriages ending in divorce.
You might be worried about damaging your children, and that’s understandable. But research shows it’s not the divorce itself that causes the most harm – it’s how it’s handled.
Children are highly sensitive to conflict and emotional tension. Sometimes, staying together ‘for the kids’ does more harm than good. In contrast, two separated parents who co-parent with stability and respect can raise emotionally healthy kids.
10 Tips on how to tell your children you’re getting a divorce
If you’ve made the difficult decision to separate, these 10 tips will help you break the news with care – giving your children the clarity, reassurance, and emotional safety they need most.
1. Tell them together
There is no easy way to break the news to your children, but no matter what your differences are with your partner, it’s so important that you show a united front and tell the children together as a couple.
2. Decide beforehand what you will say
It’s going to be emotional and it’s likely that your children will be upset. By knowing what you will say beforehand, it will help you to manage your emotions and to feel more in control. It also helps to ensure that you tell the children the important facts they need to know. Practice what you’re going to say out loud beforehand so you’re prepared.
3. Make sure you allow plenty of time
Don’t tell them just before bedtime as they are likely to be upset as well as tired. Make sure you have allowed enough time with them afterwards to reassure them and to answer all their questions
4. Reassure them that they are still loved by both of you
Make sure they know that you both still love them… that you always will do…. and that your split will never change that.
5. Reassure them that this is not their fault
It’s only natural that some children will assume it’s their fault and that they have done something wrong. They need to know that the decision has nothing to do with them and that they couldn’t have done anything to change it.
6. Keep it simple
Especially if you have younger children. Explain it to them in words that they will understand – for example they may not understand the word divorce.
7. Don’t blame your partner
It’s essential that you don’t do this and you show a united front when you tell them. Avoid anger, guilt or blame. Don’t put the children in a position that they feel they have to choose between the two of you, or have to blame one of you.
8. Tell them what will happen
If you can, it’s better to tell the children once you have most of the details worked out so they’re not left in a period of limbo. Tell them where the other partner will be living and when they will see them going forward. Reassure them that you will both always be there for them and that you can Facetime every night etc. Try not to overwhelm them at this stage with too much information unless they specifically ask.
9. Don’t get emotional
Easier said than done in this situation when your children will potentially be upset. But you need to reassure them that everything will be ok and keeping control of your emotions supports this. You can breakdown afterwards – but wait until you’re alone. If they see you upset, they will be worried about you as well.
10. Focus on the positives
Try and pull out some positives for them – for example they will have a new bedroom that they can decorate or they’ll get to spend more quality time with you both.
To summarise
This conversation won’t be easy – but it’s also an opportunity to show your children what calm, respectful communication looks like, even during life’s hardest moments. Remember that you both are role models for your children. They will take their lead from you so be mindful of how you behave. How you handle this now sets the tone for how they cope, not just with the divorce, but with future challenges too. It can be a life lesson for them in how to handle adversity, how to bounce back from it and make the best of situations. Your support, honesty, and reassurance are what matter most.
With preparation, compassion, and a united approach, you can help them feel safe and loved as the family structure changes.
If you need support navigating life after divorce… for your children and yourself… then download my free guide: ‘ Make divorce the best thing that’s ever happened to you’
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Or if you want more personalised support on how to prepare for this conversation then book my 90 minute BreakTHROUGH call where we’ll go deep on this challenge and you’ll come away feeling confident with the exact steps you need to take next.
