What is divorce mediation?
Divorce is a stressful and traumatic time for everyone involved. Divorce mediation can genuinely make a huge difference to the process. It can help you avoid the time, cost and stress of court proceedings.
It allows you to agree how your divorce is going to work with your ex.
A mediator is a neutral third party who works with you both through the process to find mutually beneficial solutions to your issues so that you can move on with your lives.
The aim is to make your divorce as amicable and cost-effective as possible. However, you do not need to be amicable with your ex for mediation to be successful.
Mediators are highly skilled and trained individuals and are used to working with separating couples.
It can be adapted to your circumstances with you both in different rooms if you would struggle to sit in the same room as your ex (either in person or online). The mediator will then facilitate discussion between you whilst you remain separate. You can also have additional support in the room from your lawyer, a divorce coach or agreed friends or family members.
Mediation is a more collaborative and less adversarial way of divorcing. It allows you both to have more control over the outcome of your divorce, as you’re directly involved in the decision-making process, rather than leaving the decisions to a judge.
If you want to increase your chances of handling your divorce in a more constructive way, read my blog: 10 tips on how to have a good divorce here
What is a mediator?
Family mediators are all experts in separation and provide lots of information about processes and things to think about for couples who are separating. They can also suggest things you may not have thought about.
It’s important to ensure your mediator has done sufficient training and has the necessary skills. You can do this by checking they are registered with the Family Mediation Council.
This process also gives you much-needed guidance on what needs to be done and when. It can feel overwhelming when there are many decisions to make.
You may not feel emotionally equipped for decision making, or even processing information, in the early (or ever later!) stages of grief. It’s important to think about whether you feel ready to do that yet.
You should not feel pressured into making big decisions. Sometimes short-term decisions about financial issues might need to be made to give you some breathing space. However, these should not be decisions that have significant long-term consequences.
When might mediation be helpful?
Family mediators are empathetic, professional and very knowledgeable about communication. So, if you find discussions between you can reach a stalemate, or end in arguments, then it’s a useful place to talk about what happens next.
What does a mediator actually do?
When an agreement is hard to reach, mediators will step in to help you brainstorm, communicate clearly, make reality checks, focus on empathy and support your decision-making process.
They can help you come up with options for consideration and give ideas of what has worked for other couples. They can also share legal knowledge and let you know what the courts will and will not take into consideration. Because mediators are impartial, they cannot give advice during the process.
The mediation process is flexible. The mediator can help you talk through everything you need to resolve, or you can manage much of it yourselves and return to mediation when needed.
What issues does mediation cover?
Mediation can cover financial issues such as the distribution of your assets and liabilities, as well as child support and spousal maintenance. Both parties need to provide full financial disclosure.
It also covers issues with children such as child arrangements and agreeing a parenting plan. It will include where the children will stay and when; what will happen during school holidays, Christmas and other important times of the year.
The plan can also cover schooling arrangements, changes of surname, grandparent access, discipline, introduction to new partner and anything else you both feel needs to be included.
What’s the process?
Before bringing you together in joint meetings, a mediator first meets with you individually to understand your situation and check that mediation is suitable.
Mediation is not suitable if it would compromise your physical safety, or mental health, or if any pattern of abuse is likely to continue through the mediation process.
An initial meeting with a mediator can also help you understand all the options available to you (not just mediation) and highlight any additional support that might be helpful.
MIAMS
The initial meetings that each party has with a mediator are called MIAMS (Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings)
If you have any concerns about being in mediation with your ex, this is the time to raise them. The mediator will want to understand any behaviour you have found uncomfortable, particularly anything relating to control or abuse.
They will also explain how mediation works and ask questions about your relationship, the breakdown and the issues you want to resolve.
Joint meetings
If you want to talk about financial issues in mediation, then the mediator might ask you to collate your financial information before the first meeting.
This allows you to work with accurate figures rather than estimates, which helps speed up the process and reduce costs.
If the mediator asks you to do this, make sure you’re clear on the timeframe, format, and exactly what is required. If you are unsure then ask for clarification.
When you share financial information before a joint meeting, bring any questions you have about your ex’s finances. This includes anything you don’t understand.
The same applies to other issues too. If you have questions, bring them to the meeting so you can discuss them openly in mediation, as this is often a safe space.
How to get the best results from mediation.
1. Listen carefully to understand what your ex is saying.
Often, we have preconceived ideas of what they might think or want. Listen carefully to ensure you’re clear on their needs, priorities and concerns. Ask questions if you’re not sure.
2. Having an idea of potential solutions can help.
You might not have this at the start as you might need more information first. You will never have to say yes to something and sign on the dotted line in mediation. It is a forum for discussion. However, it does help if you can give feedback on potential solutions that each other suggest.
3. Be open to doing things differently.
This doesn’t mean giving in. But being open to different options increases the chances of reaching a compromise.
To summarise
This guest blog was written by Louisa Whitney of LKW Family Mediation. She is an accredited family mediator, a PPC (Professional Practising Consultant which means she supervises and mentors other mediators) and a Child Inclusive Mediator (meaning she is qualified, insured and DBS checked and can talk to children as part of the mediation process).
She is also a non-practising solicitor and has run LKW Family Mediation since 2013.
For more information call 01306 320520 or email admin@lkwfamilymediation.co.uk. They see clients online via zoom and in person at their offices in Dorking and Farnham in Surrey.
