Are You Living Out of Alignment With Your Values?
Have you ever felt deeply uncomfortable in a situation, but couldn’t quite explain why?
That inner conflict is often a sign you’re living out of alignment with your values – the core beliefs that guide your choices, behaviours, and relationships.
When your values are ignored or compromised (especially in relationships)… it doesn’t just feel ‘off’… it chips away at your confidence, fulfilment, and even your sense of identity.
But when you do know your values… and honour them… everything changes. You gain clarity, confidence, and the ability to make decisions that genuinely serve you.
Let’s talk about what values are, how they shape your relationships, and how to get clear on your own.
What Are Values (and Why Do They Matter)?
Our values are the things that are important to us in our life. They are deeply held beliefs that are formed during our childhood or we decide on as we grow older. They generally stay the same over time, but can potentially change after a major life event.
Values are your inner compass. They reflect what’s important to you – trust, freedom, kindness, stability, etc.
They’re personal. What matters most to you may not matter as much to someone else – and that’s ok.
They guide your choices. The more aligned your actions are with your values, the more fulfilled and grounded you’ll feel.
They form the basis of what we do. They give us meaning, direction and fulfilment and help to determine our priorities.
5 Reasons Knowing Your Values Changes Everything
1. You get clear on what you want
If you know your values, you’ll know what will make you happy and what’s important in your personal life, career and in your relationships.
2. You make decisions
Emotions can easily get in the way of making decisions. But if you stop to think about your values when making a decision… ensuring you’re in alignment with them… then this will help you make the right choice. You can use them as a guide to make the best choice in any situation.
3. You boost your confidence
If you know what you want, and what matters to you, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks and you stop needing external approval. Communicating your values tells people what’s important to you and how you want to be treated.
4. You stay motivated
Especially during tough times. They can help you persist at difficult tasks and to work harder and give more energy to a task when you know ‘why’ you’re doing something. If you understand why you’re doing something it immediately gives you access to willpower.
5. You improve your relationships
Because you know what’s a dealbreaker and what’s not . Having shared values in a relationship means you share fundamental ideas about life and relationships – so your relationship is more likely to last. They keep you together during the difficult times and bring you joy in the happier times.
The Role of Shared Values in a Relationship
If your relationship feels hard in ways you can’t explain, this might be why. Here are 7 value-based areas that affect compatibility and long-term happiness.
1. Trust
This is the foundation for emotional safety. The couples who are the happiest and most fulfilled trust each other completely. They are able to do things independently and feel safe and secure not being part of their partner’s activity.
2. Lifestyle choices
From holidays to daily routines. When your lifestyle aligns with your partner’s, it makes it easier and so much more fun. For example, if you both enjoy adventurous holidays rather than lying on a beach, you’ll be able to enjoy your holidays together.
3. Commitment
This one really is fundamental – Are you both in it for the long haul and fully committed to each other? Are you both prepared to put the effort in to make it work?
4. Communication
Can you express your needs and resolve conflict? Different communication styles and values around this can cause a great deal of conflict. If one partner wants to have open discussions and the other is not used to this, then issues can arise. However, as long as both partners are willing to work through this and find a happy compromise then there’s no reason why they can’t have a fulfilling relationship.
5. Money
Spending, saving, priorities. Money is one of the biggest causes of stress and arguments in a relationship. It’s important to know how you both view money and the value you place on it. For example, is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Does one of you like to spend money on material things whereas the other prefers to spend it on experiences?
6. Future Plans
Do you both have the same aspirations and plans for the future? For example, do you both want a family? Does one of you want to live abroad whilst the other doesn’t? It’s also really helpful to have the same values around family so this doesn’t become an issue and cause conflict.
7. Dealing with conflict
Do you handle arguments in compatible ways? Arguments in a relationship are inevitable but how they’re resolved is crucial to the success of a relationship. If you express anger in different ways, or one of you wants to talk about the argument whilst the other partner wants to sulk, then this can cause issues, resentment and unhappiness.
How to Discover Your Core Values
Start by reflecting on these questions. Your answers will give you clues about what you really value – not what you think you ‘should’ value.
When do you feel most fulfilled?
What moments in your life felt especially meaningful?
What made you unhappy – and why?
When do you feel most like yourself?
Answering these questions will help you to get clarity on what’s important to you in your life. You can then use that to then think about what your ideal partner would be like.
To summarise
Knowing your values gives you a strong foundation for making choices that feel right for you – in life and love.
It brings clarity and confidence
It helps you attract the right kind of partner
It allows you to set boundaries without guilt
And it keeps resentment, confusion, and regret out of your relationships
Values don’t need to be identical in a relationship – but they do need to be understood, respected, and never compromised.
If you’re unsure what your values are… or how they’ve played a role in past relationships… let’s explore it together. I do this work with my clients so that they can get to know themselves again outside of their relationship and become clear on what they need from a future partner so they don’t repeat the same patterns of previous relationships.
