If you’re going through a breakup, setting big New Year’s goals might not be your best move right now. It’s easy to get drawn into all the hype you might be seeing everywhere online and feel that you ‘should‘ be setting yourself some big audacious goals… but this can set you up for failure… and make you feel even worse than you do already.
It’s easy to overcommit when you want to get your life back on track and you’re desperate for a fresh start. Telling yourself that this year you’ll “get over it”, “completely rebuild my life” or “finally be happy”
But those kinds of goals can lead to overwhelm and frustration, especially when you’re trying to navigate a breakup, and life doesn’t go as planned. You’re already coping with a lot and sometimes it can take everything you’ve got just to get through the day. Divorce or the breakup of a long-term relationship is the second most stressful thing you can go through in life so be kind to yourself.
In the book Atomic Habits by James Clear, he talks about an alternative approach: focus on systems, not goals. Goals give direction, but systems create progress. For example, the goal might be to “feel happy again” but the system would be to introduce daily habits like practicing gratitude that build happiness over time.
It’s exactly what I’ve done without realising it in sticking to a regular exercise routine for the last 3 years. Before I had my systems in place I would get up and put my gym gear on in the expectation that I would go to the gym or do a class at some point during the day… and guess what… it rarely happened.
But putting the systems in place… booking the time out in my diary every single day… protecting that time and not booking meetings… and finding the classes I love at a time of the day that works for me and my body clock (early morning workouts are never going to happen for me!) means that I’ve stuck to it. I didn’t start with telling myself I was going to lose 3 stone or do 30 pull ups… which would have been so overwhelming that I would never have started… it was all about being consistent with my exercise habit.
I always talk to my clients about getting the foundations in place and taking small steps every single day… steps that might seem insignificant in the moment… but they’re the building blocks for your new life. Once the momentum builds over time and you start to see results better than you could ever have expected… you’ll feel like a new person.
It’s like decluttering your house ready to sell after your breakup. If you look at the whole thing… it’s overwhelming and you’ll procrastinate and not start. But if you spend 10 minutes tidying one room each day, you’ll soon start to notice the progress. And progress feels good. It reminds you that you’re capable… even when you’re struggling… and that builds your confidence and happiness levels.
So that’s why you should forget the big New Year goals when you’re going through a breakup. Instead think about what you want to focus on and what systems you need to put in place to help you do so.
4 Areas you might want to prioritise this year
1. Emotional Healing
- Spend 10 minutes journaling about how you’re feeling.
- Replace reactive habits (like checking your ex’s social media) with grounding ones, like deep breathing or going for a walk.
2. Physical Well-being
- Prioritise your sleep. Start by going to bed 15 minutes earlier.
- Drink a glass of water as soon as you wake up.
3. Social Connections
- Text one friend to say hello. You don’t need to have a deep conversation… just check in.
- Plan one simple social activity this week, like grabbing a coffee.
4. Building Momentum
- Tidy up a small corner of your home… a desk, a shelf, a bag.
- Spend 5 minutes learning something new (watch a quick video, read an article). It helps develop your growth mindset which leads to more happiness.
To summarise
You don’t need any big New Year’s resolutions that you’ll likely have given up on by February and feel that you’ve ‘failed’.
Right now, you don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t need a grand reinvention or big, life-changing resolutions. What you need are small, manageable steps that are achievable for you. These steps will slowly add up and create the foundation for something better.
Big goals can be overwhelming… but small daily habits are powerful.
15 Daily Happiness Habits is a low-cost guide with bite-sized, science-backed habits that help boost your mood and energy… one step at a time… even when you’re feeling stuck.
