What to Expect and Why It Feels So Hard
Going through a breakup or divorce doesn’t just hurt — it shakes your entire sense of reality. One day you think you know where your life is going, and the next you’re navigating overwhelming change, loss, and uncertainty.
It’s no surprise that breakup and divorce are considered among the most traumatic experiences we go through — second only to the death of a loved one. So if you’re feeling like your emotions are all over the place, that’s not weakness… it’s grief… and it’s completely normal.
Grieving the end of a relationship is messy, emotional and non-linear. You might feel confused, angry, lost, numb – all in the space of a day. But understanding why you feel like this can really help.
The 5 stages of grief, developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, were originally created to explain the emotional process of grieving a death – but they apply just as well to divorce and heartbreak.
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5 Stages of grief
While not everyone experiences all five of these stages, or in the same order, knowing where you are in the cycle can help you make sense of what you’re feeling.
1. Denial – ‘This can’t be happening’
This is often the first reaction after a breakup – especially if the decision wasn’t yours. You feel shocked… disconnected…. and in disbelief.
You might find yourself avoiding conversations, carrying on as if nothing’s changed, or holding out hope that they’ll change their mind. It’s your body and brain’s way of protecting you from being hit by the full weight of the pain too soon.
2. Anger – ‘How could they do this to me?’
Once the numbness starts to wear off, anger often rushes in. You might feel frustrated, anxious, or furious – at your ex, at yourself, at the situation.
This stage has energy, and that’s part of the shift. But if it isn’t processed, it can become destructive. Think rage texts, obsessively checking their social media, or trying to “get back” at them. Anger isn’t bad and should’t be suppressed, but it needs a healthy outlet. When you hear about people cutting up their ex’s clothes – this is the stage they’re in.
3. Bargaining – ‘What if I just…?’
This is the stage where your mind plays out every possible version of how things could still work out. You might tell yourself, ‘If I change, maybe they’ll come back.’ Or ‘Maybe this was all my fault – I just need to fix it.’
Fear of the unknown and clinging to the familiar can make us grasp for any way to undo the ending – even if the relationship wasn’t working. This is a painful part of accepting reality.
4. Depression – ‘I don’t know how to go on’
This is where the weight of the loss truly hits and we can hit rock bottom. You feel drained, low, maybe hopeless. Your motivation disappears. Even simple things like showering, getting dressed or seeing friends can feel like too much.
It’s hard – but this is also where real healing begins. You’ve stopped trying to reverse the breakup, and you’re starting to acknowledge the loss. This part isn’t easy, but it’s a necessary part of letting go.
5. Acceptance – ‘It’s really over… now what?’
Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re ok with what happened – it means you’re no longer fighting the reality of it. You’ve stopped trying to change the past, and you’re starting to turn your focus to the future.
But even here, you can still feel stuck. You might not know who you are anymore or what your life looks like without them. This is where people often start rebuilding – their identity, their routines, and their sense of possibility again.
To summarise
Grief isn’t linear. You don’t move neatly from one stage to the next and then ‘graduate’ from heartbreak. You might cycle through stages more than once, skip some entirely, or feel like you’re going backwards.
But you’re not. You’re just processing things in the way your body and mind can handle.
If you’re feeling stuck, heavy, or unsure of what’s next – that’s part of the process. It’s not a failure. It’s grief doing its work, one layer at a time.
If you’re in the early stages of your breakup and feeling heartbroken, you can download my free guide: ‘10 Simple secrets to let go of heartbreak and start moving on with your life after divorce.’ It’s full of practical tools to help you take back control of your emotions, lift your mood, and start moving forward with more clarity and confidence.
👉 Get the guide here
And if you want more personal support to get your life back on track book your free clarity call where we’ll talk about what’s keeping you stuck and how coaching can help you feel more in control, confident, and ready to move forward.
