When my husband told me he wanted to end our marriage, I felt like time stood still whilst I tried to process what he was telling me. We were sitting in a beer garden, and suddenly my life was falling apart. I couldn’t take in what he was saying. My heart was pounding, I felt sick, and I was certain there had been a mistake.
He said he didn’t love me anymore. And yet, I thought he did. So how did I get it so wrong?
The truth is, I didn’t see it coming… but he had been heading in that direction for a long time… he just hadn’t told me.
Why you might not have seen It coming
It’s a common shock in breakups and divorce: one person has already emotionally left the relationship, while the other is still fully in it. Relationships rarely fall apart overnight. Often, the person who initiates the breakup has spent months… sometimes years… thinking it through.
Meanwhile, the other person is hit with the news suddenly… completely unprepared… and desperately trying to catch up. That was my experience, and it’s the reality for so many people I work with.
Understanding the emotional stages of divorce
Psychologists have identified six emotional stages that many people go through during a breakup or divorce. Understanding these can help explain why you may be at a completely different stage from your ex – and why the breakup feels so sudden to you.
1. Disillusionment of one party
This can happen over several years and is when the initiator begins to feel unhappy in the relationship. Issues are often unspoken, resentment builds, and emotional distance increases. There tends to be more arguments and a gradual ‘growing apart’ where the initiator starts to do more activities on their own rather than together.They start imagining a life outside the relationship.
2. Expressing dissatisfaction
The initiator might raise concerns and express their unhappiness or suggest counselling. This can lead to a brief “honeymoon period” where both partners try to make it work.
3. Decision to divorce
This is often the point where there is no turning back and the decision becomes final – even if it’s not yet communicated. It’s common for the initiator to check out emotionally at this point. Affairs sometimes happen during this stage.
4. Acting on the decision
The news is shared with friends and family and the legal process begins. Practical matters like finances, living arrangements, and parenting are discussed. The initiator is emotionally prepared – the other partner often isn’t.
5. Growing acceptance
Gradually, both partners begin to accept that the relationship is over. They start thinking about the future and their own identity outside the marriage.
6. New beginnings
The legal process ends. Ideally, there is some level of closure between the couple… including forgiveness or mutual respect… allowing both people to move forward.
When You’re at Different Stages
This is a model that can be useful to understand the emotional process that you’re both going through. Your experience may not necessarily follow this path.
In my case, we didn’t go through the ‘Expressing Dissatisfaction’ stage. My husband had already made the decision. He didn’t talk to me about how he was feeling… and by the time he told me… he was already emotionally out.
We were at completely different stages. He was in ‘Acting on the Decision,’ and I was still in total shock. I hadn’t even started grieving yet, because I didn’t know I needed to.
To summarise
If you’ve been blindsided by a breakup and you’re struggling to understand how it happened… or why you didn’t see it coming… please know this: you’re not the only one.
Breakups rarely happen all at once. One person often drifts away silently while the other holds on, believing things can still work. That mismatch is incredibly painful, but with the right support, you can come to terms with it – and begin to rebuild.
If you’re stuck in shock or struggling to make sense of what happened, let’s talk. Book a free, no-obligation clarity call below, and we can chat about how coaching can help you process what’s happened and find your next steps.
